Soft Fuzz

I’m a homebody with an autistic child. We don’t tend to veer far from home on the best of days. But. Our needs are more than met. My family is financially secure (as of now), and my husband’s job appears stable. We are together. We are healthy. We are safe. Shoot, we’re even laughing and lounging and snacking like it’s the holidays. 

My life is currently not terribly different than normal. 

Except - it is entirely upside down. 

I have never-ending feelings of impending doom. What is happening on the outside world? Why isn’t everybody taking this seriously? What is going to happen to life as we know it? And the big one ... who do I know that might die?

I vacillate between “things feel normal” and “what the actual fuck”, moment to moment. I’m sure a whole lot of you are feeling the same. 

It appears that this opportunity has provided many with some much needed time to tackle projects. Time to relax and binge television, or finally organize their closets. Some people are channeling their energy into creative outlets - making parody songs, or beautiful coloring sheets, or just funny memes. Some people have resigned to gaining the quaranTEN (give me credit for that one, I feel proud). Others are doing push up challenges and getting fit. 

I am none of these things-ing. I feel blank. Totally unfocused. My creative light feels dim. I have the time to create - but not the drive. My anxiety is too riled up to allow me to zen out to books or television or music - I just lack the focus. 

“I feel like I’m supposed to be doing more, or enjoying doing less, but I am neither. ”

I am sleeping a bit more than usual. Some people drink to “take the edge off”. I nap. It’s wasted time. I don’t wake up to a new reality, and I don’t wake up feeling rested. Just worried. Rinse, repeat. 

I’m worried about the kids who aren’t getting food. I’m worried about the families that were struggling back when they were still able to work. I’m worried at how unprepared our country seems to be. I’m worried that this is all going to become some sort of zombie apocalypse and I know I’m not the surviving type. (Because I’m also worried about my growing out roots and have worn makeup 5/7 days, quarantined and all.) I worry that I’ll get sick and leave my children motherless. I’m worried my parents or grandparents will fall victim. I’m worried that life as we knew it is forever (or at least for a long time) changed. I’m worried that we won’t embrace one another as freely as we once did.

If you follow me on Instagram (@tackleboxes) you’ll see me smile. Or be silly. And those moments are real. But they are fleeting. Most of my day my brain is filled with the soft fuzz of white noise, swirled up with anxiety and uncertainty. The humor is still there, but I worry that we are a few weeks and lost loved ones away from that fading away too. 

I’m not (yet) homeschooling my kids. There are so many screens happening right now - plus we leveled up and bought headphones. (Blessing or curse, TBD) We are just trying to stay afloat. We are eating absolute garbage. We are incessantly checking for news updates. We are avoiding the news. We are nervous. We are on each other’s nerves. But thankfully we are together. My family, and yours. This world right now is weird, and if you don’t feel like maximizing your time - you’re not alone. I’m in the soft fuzz with you. 

Stay in, be kind, and wash your hands.