Megan │29 │ Stay At Home Mom
What has been the toughest lesson you’ve learned?
Life goes on. The world does not stop turning even when you feel your world is crashing down.
What insecurity has plagued your life the most?
I have never felt that I am enough. Never good enough, never pretty enough, not a good enough wife/mother… just never enough. I probably over compensate in several areas of my life because of this. I have tried for years to overcome this and I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. The most intense of these feelings is in my parenting. I don't ever feel like I am worthy of parenting these little people. They are magical little creatures and I love them more than life itself. They are my entire universe but I struggle daily to come to terms with if I am being a good enough mother. Maybe that is what makes me good enough, that I will always push harder trying to prove I am worthy to be their Mommy.
When do you feel vulnerable?
Most definitely in my marriage. I have always had trust issues in general, so letting down my guard was something very difficult for me. I learned over time that putting up those walls was only hurting me. I also learned that losing my brother played a huge part in my fear of being vulnerable. Not allowing people in was more of a fear of being left (willingly or not) rather than a fear of being let down. It took a long time for me let that guard down with my husband and I still battle those fears that he will leave.
What do you fear the most?
Losing one of my children. I watched my parents grieve the loss of my brother and it is a pain that is all consuming. I can’t even fathom the pain. I have seen it first hand and I still cannot wrap my head around it. A parent should never have to outlive their child. It’s just not right.
If you could change one thing in everybody’s mind – what would it be?
Stop judging people. I am not completely innocent of this myself. I am always accepting and I try very hard not to judge others. I just remind myself that everyone is fighting a battle and it is not my place to judge them. I wish more people would just accept people for who they are and embrace their differences. No one gains from being judgmental.
What are you thankful for?
I am so, so, so very thankful that I have healthy children. So many people spend a large amount of their time with their children in hospitals. I am so thankful that my children are healthy and thriving. I think parents of healthy children (myself included) all too often forget how lucky they truly are. Hug your babies tight and be thankful.
What are you (as an individual – children and marriage aside) most proud of?
My heart. It is pure, accepting and loving. I have always tried my hardest to be positive, open minded and accepting of others.
What is, has, or will stop you from pursuing your dreams?
My husband's career. I know that sounds disgusting as a wife to put that burden on your other half but being a military spouse is all consuming. I never pictured "this life" when envisioning what my future would be. I never thought my children would be engulfed in a life of moving, saying goodbye to their daddy, depending solely on me... for everything. I have a lot I want to accomplish in this life but my number one priority is giving my children a stable home, and in the life we live that home is me.
What keeps you motivated to keep going – when the going gets tough?
In my most desperate of times I lean heavily on my parents. My Dad always has this uncanny way of putting things into perspective for me ; helping me understand that I am obsessing over things out of my control, keeping me grounded, reminding me how lucky we are in comparison to a lot of other people in this world. My mother builds me up. She always says the things I need to hear and gives me strength when I feel I am at my breaking point.
Describe what love feels like to you.
Love is the feeling in your gut as you await the arrival of your husband from a deployment. It is bedtime stories and boogers on your shirt. Love is little hand prints on your windows and your heart. Love is kissing boo-boo’s and hugs goodnight.
What is something about yourself that you’ve always tried to hide?
That I am deeply insecure and dwell a lot on the negative in my own life. I have always been able to see the good in other people but yet I have a hard time focusing on positive aspects of myself. It is pretty warped when I think about it.
If you could share one piece of advice with the world, what would it be?
Love everyone. See past the exterior and just simply love one another. See the good in everyone. People can be cruel and a lot of the time they will be, but love them anyway.
What is your heaviest burden?
That I will screw up my kids. I want so desperately to raise good, kind hearted little humans. I feel that my own insecurities will rub off on them. That they will see the way I look at myself in the mirror or notice when I don’t give myself credit when credit is due and they will mimic that. I want them to love themselves deeply and know that they deserve the best that this life has to offer. I want them to know that the world owes them nothing. That they have to work hard to get the things they want out of this life. I want them to be the people I see when I look at them. I want them to know they are loved, oh how they are loved.